Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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