I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
