dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
It's official drugs can't kill me
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
