i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
