dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
