peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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