There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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