It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
