She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
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I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
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Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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