I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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