Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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