dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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