Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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