I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
