Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
