my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
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I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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