You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
