Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize