Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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