There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
