My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
