i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
