i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
