ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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