I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
