When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
