so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I deserve this hangover.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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