so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
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