rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
