I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
