I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
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