I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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