remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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