i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Let's paint friendship bongs
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
