I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
My ass is underappreciated
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
