I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
