I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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