just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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