Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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