so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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