i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
