Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
