How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
please come you make the beer taste better
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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