did you get engaged???
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
