Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
