dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
