I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
