bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
