Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
