I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
