I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
