I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Randomize
