he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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