when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
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Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
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Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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