It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
