Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
