You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
