you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
