He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
