I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
