It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
