Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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