I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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