you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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